|WebJournal - The blog will set you free
News of no interest whatsoever except to very close and patient friends and family members and maybe people with no life
Monday, September 20, 2004 It's over
Here's the deal. After 26 years together, my husband and I are done. No turning back possible. And the details aren't pretty. The separation had been in the making for a while and although in the end I was the one who made the decision there wasn't much else I could do. Had I stayed in the relationship any longer I would have crossed the line into masochism and total lack of self respect. As of now, I might have crossed that line anyways.
My moods are swinging back and forth, from feelings of relief and excitement about the future to real pain that seems to come in waves.
This is one of those situations that only happen to other people until it happens to you. I married for life but life had other plans. This is not to say I have any regrets about the decision, because I don't. I know it was the right one, but it still hurts.
First and foremost, there's a strong feeling of defeat. I truly believed we would make it. I believed we had something most people didn't have. I believed we loved each other. Now I have to admit it was a major failure and that we are now just another statistic.
Then there's the pain of letting go of the future I thought we had. All the projects. Of course, the future is nothing but fantasies until it materializes but letting go of the fantasies takes a little effort. We were going to grow old together. It was a fact. Unless one of us died.
And finally the most hurtful feeling of all is this nagging sensation that maybe I never knew him, maybe it was wrong from the start, maybe I have pushed unconditional love to an irrational extreme but then again, by definition, unconditional love knows no boundaries.
I am in a place now where I am questioning my ability to judge people. I am not sure I want to change though. This is who I am and I have a clear tendency to see the best in everybody. Then again, maybe I am not seeing the best in people, maybe it's not that I am an optimist, maybe it's not just being naive. Maybe I am plain stupid. Maybe it's time to wake up, get rid of the Pollyanna syndrome and see the world for the ugly thing most people seem to think it is.
I can't help being me and somehow I am less devastated than I thought I would be. I do see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Actually, it doesn't even feel like a tunnel at all. It feels more like a wave I've got to ride. Feel whatever I am feeling. Cry if I feel like it. Laugh if I want to. And move on. More and more I am realizing that I've been blessed with a capacity for happiness that nothing seems to be able to shake. I see no redeeming value in pain so as soon as I reach a certain degree of suffering my mind shuts it off and I start appreciating everything that is beautiful and joyful around me. There's always plenty.
Today the weather is spectacular, for example. A beautiful fall day, sunny and crisp, a perfect background for a great city. I have the fridge full of leftover beers and food from Saturday's party. I have a couple of great bottles of wine, courtesy of M.A. Worst comes to worst I'll go get one hell of a massage.
Time to regroup.
When it rains it pours
My iBook is dead. It died on Friday night, just in time to leave me with no iTunes for the party. I'll have to call Tekserve and blog during the day.
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