sometimes you really need to wait for the right moment to say whatever you are dying to say   Archives << current   If you think I should shut up, let me know it. I will ignore the advice.

The X files - The secret info   Friday, February 21, 2003   Just a few hours to go and I am completely calm. We went to the hospital this morning but it was too early for admission. Came back after lunch. The place is horrible, it looks like my idea of a Sarajevo hospital. The pillowcases are shredded, the wallpaint is peeling off, the bathroom is a disgrace. On the other hand I liked the doctors and nurses much better here. I asked my sister to bring a decent pillow. I brought our own toilet paper (yessir, soft toilet paper is an extremely important element of a decent standard of living) and JP spent much of the afternoon working on my iBook. I left at about 11.20 pm. He was already falling asleep and he had not even had sleep medication yet. Now it's about 2.10 am and I have to be up by 5 am. I want to be by his side before at 6.30 or so. Surgery is scheduled for 8 am. It will take about 4 hours so he should be in intensive care by noonish. Hopefully he will be breathing on his own shortly and I will be able to pay him a short visit. This time I am prepared. The first time around seeing him surrounded by machines and with tubes sticking out of his body was totally traumatic. 2:19 AM Thursday, February 20, 2003   JP is sleeping now by my side. He will be hospitalized tomorrow. I am trying not to go crazy wondering whether this is the last time he will sleep by my side. 3:51 AM Tuesday, February 18, 2003   Things are not getting better. Yesterday JP was hospitalized in the morning and released in the evening. In the meantime there was a succession of doctors trying to shove down our throat the surgeon of their choice, which is not the one we wanted. I'll explain it better once I understand it myself. Nothing is clear here, there is no way of knowing exactly what your rights are, no way of finding out what really is going on. Thankfully my sister and her husband were with us and they know the ropes and are willing to play the game. Basically the doctors lied to us, they had us write a letter stating that we wanted Dr. so and so to be in charge of the surgery. When my sister went to present the letter to the hospital administration they practically laughed at her. No letter needed to be written, of course. They were just getting us out of the hospital. I am appalled. Everybody keeps reassuring us that technically doctors are very good. I hope so. So far, ethically they stink. JP went to see yet another doctor this morning, I stayed back here at the hotel. One thought: every time I come to this country I know why I left it. I despise everything about it and I can't wait to get out. Surgery is now scheduled for Friday. 11:57 AM Monday, February 17, 2003   Back in Montevideo, after spending the weekend in Punta del Este. Yesterday we met JP's cardiologist at the supermarket and he invited us to his house today. Given that the house is a huge number with a pool and horses, I assume he does well for himself and has not been sued for wrongful deaths too many times. We met his wife too, who seems like a very nice woman. We also spent some time with one of JP's best friends but when I left them alone for a minute to go get my purse he started hugging him and weeping. We got out of there in no time, ran for the car and blasted some techno music in an effort to chase away the moment. And then tonight, after dinner, we went to my sister's house and I was the one that ended weeping. Thing is my sister is into doing the family tree and she insisted on telling me stories of lost relatives and showing me pictures. She showed me pictures of our parents when they were kids, and then young adults, when they met and marry, when they had us. To me the whole subject was heartbreaking but my sister can be relentless and as sensitive as a door. By the time we got out of her house I was in tears. I can't forget that all those names and faces were actually people, dead people now, like our father, and some of them had tragic lives. Also, I admit, I am particularly touchy today. I had to catch myself several times thinking about coming back to this hotel room without JP, and what if he does not come back at all, and I will go home and touch things that he has touched before, but, by touching them myself I will be erasing his touch, and therefore somehow killing him. If you let your mind unchecked it's scary how wild it will run. 2:12 AM Saturday, February 15, 2003   From the hotel room, what I wrote about an hour ago: I am now in Montevideo, sitting at a restaurant table while JP is discussing politics with three friends. I already spent too much time and energy defending the US stance against Saddam, a stance I don't even agree with, but the Yankees-go-home position really pisses me off. I think I've done it all in the last 24 hours. I flew in from NYC. I then took a ship from Buenos Aires to Colonia and a car ride from Colonia to Montevideo. And tomorrow we will drive to Punta del Este for the weekend. All I am missing is a train ride. FIrst things first: the flight from NYC. We left an hour late because some guy was taken off the plane and they had to get his baggage off too. I have no idea what happened, but I will research and inform. I was assigned a lousy seat but eventually managed to change it to a windows seat on the exit door, besides a humongous Jewish guy with a long gray beard, teeth so unsightly he deserved an honorary British passport, an accent impossible to understand and yet, by some miracle, he is the father of six children. Even taking into account the possibility that he had sex only the absolutely necessary times to impregnate his wife, it is impossible to fanthom how 1) he found a wife and 2) he convinced her to lay still and not leave the room screaming. The misteries of life. Anyways, once at home and after lunch JP gave me the obligatory speech of "Should something happen to me". I also got to see his poor tummy. He's been injecting himself some blood thinning substance (he also has a transdermal nitro patch). I asked him since when he was an expert at giving shots but when he showed me his belly we had a good laugh: it's all black and blue - pretty clear he has still a lot to learn. The plan is to leave tomorrow for Punta del Este, spend the weekend there and come back to Montevideo on Sunday night or Monday morning. JP will be hospitalized on Monday. Surgery will probably be Tuesday or Wednesday. I think going to P.d.E. is a good idea. It will keep our minds as off as possible from what's coming up. As usual, the worst it the wait. 4:23 AM Thursday, February 13, 2003   Yesterday before leaving this new colleague, Bernardo, passed by my office and did not say much, he just smiled and gave me a real hug, the sustained squeezy type. I really like this man. There´s something so nice and warm about him. 2:55 PM Wednesday, February 12, 2003   I bought a nice little denim shirt dress. A couple of trousers. A blouse. A skirt. Panties. I feel much better now. I spoke to JP's cousin, the surgeon. I wish I hadn't. Doctors will very nonchalantly mention statistics, percentages, future complications that you don't need to hear. Such details don't add much to the info you already have or you really need and they have a way of lingering persistenly in your mind. Pilar called me today too. Now that I know she reads this blog I am a little self-conscious about writing things like this, but I truly appreciate her concern. And yes, Pilar, I want you back here as soon as you feel ready to come back. Well, time to play around with the computer now. I also have to prepare the iBook for the trip. See ya. By the way, the postings before this are the ones I had drafted but not published yet. 12:38 AM Tuesday, February 11, 2003   Done. I will take care of posting the drafts tonight. In the meantime JP is fighting the insurance company or, more like it, the people who stopped the payments, and I already got in touch with a lawyer friend to kick some ass as soon as all this hoopla is over. I have a reservation for a Thursday evening flight to Buenos Aires. As much as I hate leaving NYC, this might be perfect timing. No need to be here for the biological attack awaiting us. Got an e-mail from Don today. He underwent a brain scan this morning (and banned me from making obvious jokes about it). I guess this is the ageing process. Will our e-mails read like medical reports from now on? I already warned him to spare me the details when he starts having prostrate problems. I can still remember when we were both young and hot. Such a pity. I am off now for some serious shopping. It can never hurt. I'll leave the packing for tomorrow. Plenty to do tomorrow. 5:54 PM